LSC- self esteem

Alright so tonight my self esteem took a bit hit...and that got me thinking.

So after a 4 day weekend/holiday the phones were out of control at work and I had tasks coming out of my ears all day! So naturally after all calls and rx's were done it was 6:15pm and I still needed to grocery shop for the week. So I went to Walmart to take on the expensive time consuming last task of the day. That is where they were. By they I mean the girls that make me sick. Skinny. Long thick hair. Tan. Decked out in VS sweats and brand new Uggs. And for me? Hair up in a messy pony tail, scrubs, tennis shoes and glasses. Let me tell you I was NOT the one turning heads. And of course it ended up the were every where I needed to go. Now for someone who is totally comfortable with themselves this clearly would not have been an issue, and I think if it would have been another day it would have been fine but for some reason today it really bothered me. So then I started to think you know they are all best friends that probably live together, not married but just casually dating around, never been through life altering things and spending all their unlimited funds from mommy and daddy on new clothes and Uggs ect. Then it hit me.

I cant be like them. Not only am I about 20 lbs to heavy to be like them but I was out grocery shopping after a busy day at work where I go every day from 8-5(ish) and work my butt off so my husband and I will have money to pay bills...like grown adults. These girls probably went to a 2 or 3 classes, gave each other relationship advice, took a nap, went shopping and decided to get some more junk food. We could not be more different.

But is this an excuse or the truth? I am a wife. I am a WIFE. It is my job in our family to go get the groceries within budget and make dinners/lunches for the week. I love this job and I would not trade it for anything! But does being a wife mean not getting to be "those girls" anymore? I hear everyone gains 10-15lbs when they get married, is this true?! I have been going over this with myself all night...will I ever get to be those girls again or will I be the fat wife that goes to Walmart in her scrubs after a long day at work.

I left Iowa State for many reasons and one of them was the pressure to be those girls. I dont have unlimited funds (and Im glad I dont, I know the value of money and how to work for it!) I dont have the perfect body but my husband loves me and talks me off the cliff constantly since I am so critical of the unperfectness. I hated the pressure to look like they did but looking back on it... I did. I was them. And I gave it up...now wanting it back?

Is the grass greener on the other side? Married women wanted to be hot twenty somethings again and hot twenty somethings wanting to be married and settled down.

I love where I am in my life! I love getting to be a wife and making crockpot dinners and pies and creating a christmas village! I just wish I could look like what I did 4 years ago...I miss that. No acne or weight from birth control issues. Will I ever get that back?!

LSC change- Day ? -Sit ups...

So I lost track of my days...sorry.

So on Monday night I was supposed to be packing and making homemade pies to take to Des Moines and Kansas City but I had a ridiculous day at work again that was SO busy and I did not want to get off the couch. So I watched TV and did my pintrest pinning for a while but by then I had pretty bad cramps (TIM I know but deal its a funny story) and knew I needed to get up to help it. I know walking around and physical activity helps relieve cramps so I did 100 jumping jacks and then started in on my 200 crunches. Im sitting there thinking this is such a good thing Im up moving around getting my muscles moving so I wont have cramps anyone! What I didnt think about was that after doing my 200 crunches/abs work out I realize I had angered my cramps not made them better.

I thought I was dying. Seriously. What the FRICK was I thinking doing ab work with cramps! SO. STUPID.

So needless to say I laid on the couch again while my body was under attack by my uterus. I had angered it.

So Stupid Elizabeth! Why would you do that!?


Anyways....I just had to share my pain because I could not believe I had done something so stupid. I guess Im not the brightest crayon in the box some days...

In other news....Today is thanksgiving. I will not be good but I promise to work out! My sissy brought her jillian micheals DVD home so I WILL use it! I swear. But we did make puppy chow and its phenomenal...so that will be my weakness. I love puppy chow. :)

LSC Day #28- self esteem update

Today was a sad day. There was no Ghurties in it thats why it was sad.

I also took a nap. :)

I think I am learning to be comfortable in my own skin for now. I feel like until I get to the root of the problem which is the medication I was ok I am only setting myself up for failure. Now don't get me wrong, I still eat my eggs and yogurt for breakfast and eating the correct portion sizes but Im not like a freak about it anymore. I do still do my exercises but not as hardcore... I feel like winter and getting dark at 5pm is discouraging me from that. I know thats an excuse you dont need to remind me BUT I really enjoyed running outside after work...too bad I got into it in the end of Oct and I live in Iowa home of cold and snow. Boo.

I am not happy with myself yet but I am leaning to live with it. I try to avoid things that make me sad like looking in the mirror before a shower and trying on jeans that used to fit. Instead I am now buying things bigger that are more flattering so I dont get my hopes up and those size 4 skinny jeans don't fit I need and 6 or 8 in some styles. Wow...that was hard to say. I want my old body back SO bad but right now its not an option until I can get my stress level and medication under control.

I AMNOT GIVING UP though! I am proud of how I have changed my eating habits and will continue to eat well and not have clogged arteries by the time I am 35 anymore.

P.S. My pedometer fell out of my pocket and died. I started to tear up in the middle of Old Navy and an 8 year old gave me the stank eye. Bite me. My pedometer is my life line and its now gone so shut up skinny 8 year old one day you will gain weight and then try to lose it and need a pedometer too! Ok maybe not...but its a serious possibility.

Ugh RIP pedometer.

LSC Day #27- Shopping success..Finally!

FINALLY GOOD NEWS!!!!

I had a successful shopping trip! This has to be the most uplifting thing that has happened in so long! I went to Old Navy and absolutely WENT TO TOWN on the sale rack and found...are you ready for the 8 that EIGHT new shirts! THAT FIT!!! Clearly by my excessive use of caps this is a huge deal! I have been feel so down about not having anything to wear, nothing really fits well anymore and most of my clothes are pretty outdated any ways so that was a double doozie. Double doozie cookies....mmmhh....anyways.

This is HUGE for me!! I have had SO MANY terrible shopping trips lately that I needed this SO BAD! I finally have shirts that fit but are not super form fitting so I feel comfortable with my self. This has been so long coming! I am soooooo thankful for this! I have not been happy with my clothes for so long! I always have either the 1. I JUST wore this...but I have nothing else that fits 2. well theres my fat belly pooch in this one so I cant wear this. and 3. Everything is so old its not in style anymore! Its amazing what a few new clothes can do for your self esteem...Im still fat but at least its better hidden and I feel better about myself! :)

On top of that they were all on sale with an extra 30% off the sale price.

8 tops + 2 pairs of dress shorts = $83.

Suck. on. that. :)

p.s. decided to change the medication I am on in hopes the does change with work better with my body and allow me to drop some weight.

We will see!

Ahh...Im so happy :)

LSC Day #25(?)- Slackin again...oh and Ghurties

Sorry I have been slacking again! So posting everynight is starting to get out of hand....It will now be everytime I remember :)

Ok confession time: I had Ghurties again. Omg. I love Ghurties.

Now that I got that off my chest I feel better and much less guilty. I did however have a good lunch and no afternoon snack! So in that case I feel like picked and chose where I used my calories...and in the case it was Ghurties.

I did not work out...GAHH!!! I have god intentions I just dont have time. Boo.

I kinda feel like all this is a waste considering the medication I take that makes me gain all this weight has not changed. So I am buying clothes in bigger sizes and nothing form fitting. I will do this until I figure out what do to and if I am going to keep taking it or start something else. Blah. Too big of a decision to make right now, maybe next week? next month?

Ill keep you posted :)

In any case I will still eat like I am but working out is not doing so hot. And yes that pun was intended. :)

LSC Day #23- boring...

Short post...sorry! This blogging everyday is getting hard...sorry I have totally been slacking! But on the up side that means Im doing more in life and not sitting lonely on the couch every night with my food so YAY! :)

I had a good day of eating today! Im not like super food crazy anymore...I actually really dont write much down anymore. One reason for that is I eat alot of the same things every day so by this time I know how many calories they are the other...Im trying to not over analyze it.

I have my eggs and yogurt for breakfast then for lunch chicken and brown rice with salsa and for dinner chili.

Oh yeah...then ghurties. AHHH! So freakin addicting!!!!!!

Its ok because then I did roughly around 300 sit ups and my arms with a few squats. I did not have time to do the jillian video but thats ok I did something and that is what matters! :)

I love my new life style :)

LSC Day #22- Slacking

Hello all!! Clearly I have been slacking and Im sorry!

So I did not post yesterday, it was a busy sunday and I had frozen yogurt again. Yes that is 3 times in one week and yes feel free to judge me- but only if you have had it and know how stinkin addicting it is!!! AHHH so good! :) and I had my chili for dinner. My hubby loves him some chili and of course its a giant crockpot full so I had to help eat it! right? Yes.

Today ran my butt off at work. again. Worked until past 6. again. Did not have time to work out between work and dinner with friends but I dont care Ill do it tomorrow since dinner with friends is much more important. Jillian Michaels will still be there tomorrow. I know she says in my video "change is not a future thing its a present one" but at this present time Im full of a 7 layer dessert bar from Charlottes.

I am doing a good job of eating my eggs in the morning though! I think I get points for that...right?! anyone?!

I also think the reason I am gaining weight and not losing at all is due to a medication I am taking. SOOOOOO.....now I have to decide to keep taking this med that makes me gain weight or take another one that makes my face break out like a 13 year olds. Oh decisions decisions...boo. Either way I am happy with the way I am living my life, I am not like a dieting freak or anything I am just being cautious of what I eat instead of gorging on everything.

there are two words that I am living by now: 1. moderation and 2. discipline. God is helping me learn the meaning of both... not to mention patience. :)

LSC Day #20- IHop

Went to IHop this morning for breakfast (courtesy my padre, thanks dad!) and they not only had the famous chocolate chip pancakes but they also had pumpkin pancakes! Now I dont know about you but that had my name alllll over it! :) So when the server came to the table I sat up proudly and ordered a Slim and Fit spinach,mushroom and green pepper omelet. I do NOT recommend this. The spinach was very mushy and the green peppers were not very flavorful. But I ate that stupid omelet and looked at this picture of the pumpkin pancakes pretending that was what was in my mouth. It really didnt work. Boo.

I had 2 cookies and some spinach dip at a baby shower and then I had Ghurties frozen yogurt this even.

I say it all evened out in the end! :)

I did not exercise today :( I will admit I have been slacking there but I just get busy! I promise I will work out tomorrow! I have not decided if Im doing abs video or the work out one...ah decisions decisions.

I want to be skinny. Is it time yet?!

LSC Day #19- Life Style Change

As I was driving to work yesterday I realized something. For breakfast I was eating egg white and yogurt. Me. I dont know how many things are "not me" in that sentence...the Breakfast part, the egg whites or the yogurt its all so crazy to me! Thats when it hit me. Im not dieting. Im not losing weight because Im not dieting. I changed the way I live my everyday life. Thats it. Right there.

As I wrote on day#1 I ate such junk ALL day EVERY day! I mean truly and honestly I was probably consuming over 5,000 calories a day easy. Thats ridiculous.

Now Im right within the 1200 to 1300 range. I mean yes probably 2 days a week I am a little over maybe around 1500 but still I see that as totally realistic.

As I look back on all that I have changed with my eating I am shocked!! Not to toot my own horn but I have literally changed everything about how I see food. I think of things like "how long is this going to keep my full" or "how many calories is this REALLY worth consuming" or "am I really hungry or am I bored" "what is a food I can eat more for less calories and doesn't take terrible". Just to name a few...

And on top of that talk about the discipline you learn! I mean I used to eat what I wanted when I wanted and how much I wanted. NOT ANYMORE! I now only eat my 3 means and 3 snacks in between in a correct serving amount.

This is a LIFE STYLE CHANGE. I have officially realized I changed the way I live my life through food!

I may not have lost any weight but at least I am getting healthier and making better choices :)

Now to work on the weight loss part....To be continue :)

LSC Day #18- better day!

So I have a lot to say but not much time so...

I ate well all day and had dinner with friends at the Bread Gardens. Very good and tried to stay health with a wheat tortilla for dinner packed with turkey, salami and lettuce and a very small amount of pasta salad then...a monster cookie for dessert!!
It was a little piece of heaven for sure. And then I felt guilty.

I did not work out. I did not have time. I did not leave work early enough. Shocked? Im not.

I have so much more to say...Stay tuned for tomorrow! :)

P.s. today was better and no one made me cry!

Today was a good day. :)

Triage- LSC Day# 17- stress

As you can tell the title is different today. That is because it was a ridiculous day at work and when I sat down to blog I wrote "triage" instead of my usual since this is all I have been typing all day.
Ironically I was going to blog about stress on this entry. Can you tell I am under a little bit?

Needless to say today my day went from fine to bummer to terrible to ending in emotional break down at my desk. I can tell you not only did I NOT lose any weight today I probably gained. This was a hard day. Work-1 me-0.

Its really hard to lose weight when you are under stress and I fully believe this is one reason why I am not losing anything. I have a very busy high stress job that I cant just walk away from at 5pm. I leave when the work is done and always I take things home in my heart. Its part of what I chose and I totally get that, dont get me wrong I LOOOVE what I do!! However some days (like today) when I get told Im a Bi*ch and going to hell is pretty rough. I dont think 'Bi*tch' is a good word to describe me and a person and considering I love God and have a personal relationship with him and strong in my faith I can tell you Im not going to hell either.

So that being said...hard day ended with a wonderful night with two ladies from church getting things ready for Operation Christmas child. I ate 1/2 bag of pop and a mini Take 5 candy bar.

Now it is bed time.

LSC Day #16- My sweet made up dinner

No body panic...my pedometer is found! I thought I lost it last night but after my very smart husband suggested I look in my car- TO-DAH!! There is was! So unfortunately I did not get a step count for the morning and that was the busiest part of my day but oh well thats the way it goes. At least it is found now!

So for dinner I wanted to spice things up a bit so I made up my own dinner! I had a whole wheat tortilla and on it I put shredded chicken, spinach and the Philadelphia cream cheese cooking sensation Sante Fe spread. It was awesome! The tortilla was only 130 cal, since I used 1 tbls of the sante fe spread that was only like 40 cals, and since the spinach and chicken are all protein I consider those "free". I was pretty excited.

Forget you stupid salad- WE ARE OVER!!!

I did not do a work out video today though. By the time I got off work, went to the store and got home it was 7pm. I was so hungry I had the shakes so din-din was priority uno! BUUUTTTT all was not lost, I did like 200 forms of sit ups from the videos so I consider that justified. I will NOT be a slave to working out, I have said that from day one! But I wont get lazy either. Today I did not go hardcore but I did SOMETHING. That is better then nothing.

So I would say today was a good day. Im so glad I stopped weighing myself. I think that was making matters worse. Im trying really hard now to look at what I HAVE done. NOT all the way I have to go and everything I still have to do. Today is about today and just like I tell myself every single day at work- I am only one person doing what I can with what I have.

Today I am content.

P.S. in other news Im brunette now. :)

LSC Day #15- no more scale

So I made a choice tonight that I think will be good for me in the long term.

I have decided to not weigh myself again. Like not at all.

I think Im getting so hung up on what the number on the scale says that I am not see the other results. I do think VEERRRRYYY slowly but surely my tummy is getting flatter by doing my abs and work outs but Im blinded by the # on the scale that I cant see the mirror results. I also think I am living my life around the scale. If its up one day I stress over everything I eat that day and feel bad about myself all day and when I see I havent lost or gained I feel discouraged that all my hard work is a loss.

So with all that being said there is no more scale. I really think this is best FOR ME in my personal situation.

Good news: I moved myself up to the next level on my jillian dvd- holy moly jillian you win! Its amazing she can still make you want to die in your own living room with one set of weights. Not to mention soaked in sweat. Sweat is not a good color on me.

I also made an appt with a diatein for next week! Yay! It was a little more expensive but I dont think you can put a price on my sanity...or my 6-pack to be right?!

LSC Day #14- 2 weeks..what the frick.

Well folks its been 2 weeks since I started this adventure!

I weighed myself this morning before getting in the shower and was up another fully pound. :( So after getting out of the shower I pretty much took another shower in my own tears. I sat on the end of the bed balling to my extremely patient husband who tried so hard to talk me off the cliff I was mentally standing on the edge of. He kept telling me weight fluctuates throughout the week and gaining a pound here or there is normal, it just takes time.

If one more more person says "it just takes time, you have to be patient" I swear I will freak the frick out.

Here the deal: I have been eating healthy and working out everyday for 2 weeks and have not only not lost a pound what so ever but I have GAINED 2 pounds overall. How is this chemically possible? There is NO WAY my body is gaining that much muscle. Serious. This is a load of horse crap. I am literally working off 70-80% of the calories I am taking in. HOW is the weight not coming off?!?! I dont understaaaaaaaaaannndd!!!!!!

There is no reason I have not lost ANYTHING. I mean honestly, I should just start eating whatever I want again because I gained weight eating what I want and I gained it be healthy so I might as well be happy and eat all the reese I want!

But in stead of doing that Im seeing a dietitian tomorrow. Wish me luck.

LSC Day #13- misbehave

I misbehaved today.

We had mexican for lunch and that super amazing yogurt place Gurties for a snack. However did have chix, stuffing and gravy for dinner....did not have as much gravy as I usually do but all the same I dont think gravy is calorie free.

I did not exercise either. Except for walking around the mall with the hubby.

However I did by a heavier set of weights for my jillian work out dvd! And I bought the 30min awesome abs one so I'll give that a whirl tomorrow! Don't worry Ill let you know how that goes tomorrow! :)

I did not have a reese pumpkin though so that is totally a gold star day for me! WEEEEE!!!!!

Im so ready to be fit and skinny...why is it taking SOOOOO LONG?!?! BLAH!

LSC Day #12- Shopping

Went shopping today. Epic fail.

I have ever struggled with clothes fitting before in my lift! I have always just looked around saw something cute, picked it up in a size S/M and called it a day. Now I am looking for things that are bigger shaped, dark colored, empire waisted...you get the picture. I actually had a mini break down moment in the dressing room, I found this super cute mustard yellow dress in F21- it was love at first site. So I tried it on....bad mistake. It was ALOT less forgiving and tight then it looked on the hanger.

WAKE UP CALL.

This LSC could not have come sooner.

I will go back and get that dress one day. Maybe. But if not I will get a cute dress that is equally as awesome.

I did put almost 16,000 steps on my pedometer though so that is very good news! :) I did not work out but I think walking around the mall for 2.5 hours counts as my work out for today. Plus I ate eggs for breakfast. Gold star for me for sure!

LSC day #11- reese's

Today I did my jillian michaels work out DVD and ate not one but TWO reeses pumpkins.

Waaayyyy over calories today. But I needed it SO bad. Tomorrow I will be good.
Promise!

That chocolatey peanut buttery goodness was literally the best thing I have had since....well the last time I had one.

Today was a great day.
:)

LSC Day #10- changin it up a bit

So due to my of my debbie downer post yesterday I received some good advice via Facebook from some good friends and my sisy. After reading the comments and talking with Denny I learned a lot of new things and realized I needed to change some things up.
So my mistakes:
1. not enough calories, I was eating about 900 to 1000 a day-not 1200 to 1300. In doing this I slowed my metabolism down a lot since my body was on the verge of starvation mode, which is not good since I already have a pretty high metabolism anyways.
2. My pedometer shows I burn on average about 400 calories just by walking around the office on a daily bases doing my job plus the working out in the evening. Thats a lot of calories to burn off when I really wasn't taking in that many.
3. I did not know my body burns calories why I am sleeping and while I am doing nothing. I thought when I wasn't doing anything I wasn't burning anything. Wrong. Did you know by sleeping your body burns 90calories in an hour?! I didnt.
4. I was eating healthy...to healthy. I needed a little chocolate in my life.


So I have decided to eat more by making sure I have a morning and afternoon snack, along with one or two sweet treats a day. This will bring my calories up a little more and get my heart happier too :) I will still be working out the same, this wont change and is still necessary to get the results I want. I will also still be keeping my food diary but this is more for my information and to keep track of everything I eat. I would recommend a food diary to anyone! Writing it down and adding up all the calories adds up ALOT faster written down then in my head. (I cant cheat that way)

Im still going to keep up with my life style change...just amp it up a bit :)
Again, all helpful advice is still appreciated :)

LSC Day #9- well...

Well today is tues so it means its weigh in day. I have been debating all day to blog or not and if so what to write about. Needless to say I weighed myself this morning and I gained 1/2 a pound. Yes, you did read that right, I GAINED 1/2 pound. This is EXTREMELY discouraging. I was not sure if I was going to write about it since this really upset me, in fact it ruined my whole day. I had a terrible day with work stress and it really didn't help that was the way it started. BUT when I started this life style change I mad a commitment to myself that I was going to blog about it everyday good or bad since this is real life. This is no joke. Im literally BUSTING by butt by working out 7 days in a row (yes even weekends!) and eating things that rabbits eat while everyone else enjoys chocolate, pizza and monster energy drinks.

I dont understand.

I keep a food diary and write down everything I eat throughout the day. Everything from my egg whites in breakfast to the 5 calorie stick of gum for my afternoon snack. EVERYTHING.

I dont understand.

I have been debating all day to either 1. Give the frick up and order a big mac with extra pick for dinner. 2. Ignore what the scale says and keep up what Im doing since my clothes are fitting better and over all my body is feeling better. 3. CRY.
Well I believe my choices tonight answered that. I did my usual working out and kept to my stupid health food and did not blow it. But I did cry out of frustration.

I will not be giving up. This is real life. I gained when I should have lost, how I don't know. But I can tell you I WILL have a 6 pack.

I WILL.

I will NOT give up.